Humiliation.

I wasn't going to write about this, but have decided I will as I told myself I would be as open and honest about Ushers as I can be.

And now I've decided to write about it I have to do so now so I don't lose the nerve/bottle at a later date!

Yesterday morning I was waiting for a bus to get to work. The sun was really bright and despite having my sunglasses on the glare was glaring in a glary manner! Now, for those who don't have or know about Ushers, sun glare can be a right pain in the jacksie. You know those really over exposed photo's, it's a bit like that. plus my eyes water a lot when it's like that, so I have to contend with the blur that watery eyes give as well.

The bus came, the doors opened and I went to step on.

Before my foot hit the deck someone, a man, barged into me so HE could get on before me.

Because at that precise moment I was on one leg it knocked me sideways. My shoulder hit the side of the bus. I stacked and ended up on the road between the bus and the curb.

The man spun around and started shouting at me!

Apparently I should have been looking where I was going. I was taking the piss. I was making it far worst than it actually was. I was trying to make him look bad. I was a fool. I was f*cking waster. It was all my fault.

He then went and sat down.

The bus driver didn't anything other than look at me.

Behind me a group of teenagers were laughing.

No one asked me if I was ok. No one helped me up. I got up and walked away.....

I have never been so humiliated in my whole life. I have never felt so ashamed to be me. I have never felt quite as vulnerable as I did then.

So much so I didn't tell anyone at work once I got there. I didn't tell any of my family that evening.

No one wants to admit this sort of thing happens to them. But I am going to admit to it, because it takes a fair bit of bottle to do so, and I reckon I got that bottle!!

Buses and trains.

I recently had cause to think and write about trains, it's not as geeky as it sounds.... And I'm not a closet train spotter..... Honest!!

And it got me to thinking about public transport in general. And how much of a pain it can be.

A train journey can be a stressful experience at the best of times for most. Overcrowding, delays, cancelations and last minute platform changes can make the most patient of people lose their rag! Throw into the mix a duel sensory loss such as deaf/blindness and suddenly it’s an absolute minefield!

Announcements over the tannoys can be difficult or impossible to hear, especially when train announcers seemingly specialise in white noise and mumbling!

It can be disconcerting when everyone on the platform suddenly runs, jogs, hops, skips, barges and elbow their way to another platform as if they have received a telepathic message that you have somehow missed out on. The boards show no changes, your train shows no signs of appearing, you know the train you're waiting for is the last one of the night OR the one just before the massive crush of rush hour..... So you make the decision to find someone who might be able to help you!

You stride down the platform looking frantically left and right looking for the man or woman in a blue coat with yellow trim, and they're nowhere to be seen! You reach the barrier and there's no bugger there either! So you end up hanging around, either totally on your tod, or with thousands of people pushing pass you to get to where they want to be. It's stressful..... Sometimes it makes you panic a bit cos you feel like you have no control what so ever. Eventually you find someone and ask what has happened to your train,

‘There was an announcement’ you are told brusquely,

‘Yeah, I didn’t hear it though because –‘ you start, but before you have a chance to finish you're told

‘You should have listened to the announcement, you’ll have to go back to the main station to see when the next train is.’

You try again to explain you didn’t hear the announcement, and that going back to the main station could be very difficult, as you are also blind.... Deaf/blind in fact..... But you're just met with a blank gormless face and a shrug of the shoulders.

Buses are just as bad. You get on, pay your fare, settle down with a book only for the bus to stop two stops later and about 15 stops before yours, with the whole bus filing off!

When you ask what's going on, more often than not you're told the next one will be along in a bit..... And of course you can't get on that one cos everyone bundles in front of you, shoves you out of the way and when you FINALLY get to the door it shuts because not a single other person could possibly squeeze on!

Bat in the shower!

A few years ago I worked in Wales. It was absolutely gorgeous! The building was a 400 year old farmhouse and set in the middle of farmland, at the foot of Pen y Fan.

There was only one spot where I could get mobile phone reception, right slap bang in the centre of a window sill, and only if I balanced the phone on it's side! Other than that if I want to make a call or send a text I had to go for a little ten minute walk!

I had a bike, and it took about 15 mins to ride into the local village, and about an hour and half to ride back up the steep hill back!

Buses came by on the hour every hour, but there was no bus stop near by so you stood on the edge of the road and waved like a lunatic to get them to stop and pick you up! And, once you sat down someone would always start a chat with you. Bare in mind, I'm a London girl born and bred and the first few times that happened I was a tad weirded out!!

I lived and worked with two other people, and obviously all the people that came to stay, but it was myself, Cheese and Beef who were the main people there!

Sometimes because of the way days off fell, we would be there all on our lonesome, and not have any guests because it would have been silly!

I can honestly say there was only one time when I was terrified....... It wasn't the time I was in the building on my own for a couple of nights and a lone man came and tried to convince me to let him stay, calling through the windows

'Cooooome out, I promise I wont hurt you!!!'

Yeah mate, I've watched those horror films where the girl on her own lets the man in because he's cold, tired, hungry and only wants to sleep, and then he rips out her intestines with his bare hands!!

It wasn't the time when I'd gone on a little walk and after half hour of walking sprained my ankle and thought that there was no way I'd be able to get back.

And it wasn't the time when there was the biggest storm I'd ever seen, heard or felt in my entire life!

No....... It was the time when I was naked, in the shower and discovered that there was a bat in there with me!!!!!

How on earth did this happen I hear you ask?! Well..... I will tell you!

The barn that was adjacent to the farmhouse has just been converted, so me and Beef had been moved in there, very nice, bigger room and a nice new shower room.

We'd been there a few days and had settled in, and so far there were no mishaps at all. I had reached the end of a morning shift and toddled back to have a shower and then laze around because it was raining and I didn't fancy schlepping around the mountains!

So I went into the shower room, got undressed, took out my hearing aids, took off my glasses and put on my shower cap.

In I stepped and turned on the water, wishy washy washy wishy..... I turned round and glanced down.

'What the.......???' On my shampoo bottle there was a big brown lump! I couldn't see it properly as I didn't have my glasses on. My immediate thought was

'OH MY GOD............!!!!! Beef has poohed on my shampoo bottle!!!!!'

I have no idea WHY I thought Beef would do that, he hadn't done anything previously to make me think that he would, but..... It was my first thought and I felt disgusted and violated!!!

I then thought to myself, not only would Beef NOT do such a thing, but there was no smell so it couldn't be a pooh!!!

So, I crouched down to get a proper look at whatever it was, having not the foggiest as to what it could be! I leaned in closer, I didn't want to touch whatever it was until I knew what it was! I leaned in closer still when all of a sudden.....

It stretched out it's arms/wings, reared back, pulled back it's mouth and showed me fangs the size of tombstones (but much sharper!), snarled at me in a menacing manner and clawed in my general direction!

A BAT!!!!! A GREAT BIG BLOODY BAT THE SIZE OF A HORSE IN THE SHOWER WITH ME!!!!!

I screamed.....

'AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!' It was a high pitched, blood curdling, terrified scream of a London bint who had only ever seen bats on nature programs before.

I leapt out of the shower, grabbed a towel as I ran out of the shower room, slammed the door shut, ran into my room, got my key, ran back and locked the door shut!!!

I then ran out of the building in just a towel and shower cap and ran sans glasses to the other building where Beef was! Barefooted and not really able to see I stubbed my toe, fell over in pain and cut my knee.

So when I burst into the reception area I gave everyone a shock, and by everyone I mean Beef and the group of about ten ramblers who were booking in for the night!

There I was, in a towel, with a shower cap on, bloody knee, hopping because my toe really hurt, screaming far louder than I would have normally screamed because I didn't have my aids in

'THERE'S A MASSIVE BAT IN THE SHOWER!!!!! IT TRIED TO BITE ME!!!!! HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!! SORT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!'

And of course, because I was slightly panicked, my saaarf east lahndahn accent was coming out far stronger than it normally does!

AND I was just screaming this in the general direction of the people because I couldn't SEE Beef!

The group of ramblers must have wondered what on earth they'd let themselves in for, and if the local mental hospital had had an escapee in the past few hours!!!

I went running through reception to the back and sent Beef to sort it out.

Of course it wasn't all that big, or scary looking, it was according to Beef quite cute and no bigger than a jam jar lid.....!

Sheep pretending to be snakes.

I have a friend who, whenever I'm in her company we seem to end up having some kind of adventure.

I shall call her Cheese, she knows why I'm calling her Cheese, it's a long story, but is not related to her feet at all! She really hasn't got cheesey feet!

Anyhoo..... I digress! Adventures..... More often than not rather strange ones! And more often than not, they're 'mishaps'!! Sometimes, occasionally, perhaps booze is involved..... Sometimes booze isn't!

We decided to go and explore another part of Wales one day because our days off had fallen at the same time.

So we packed our toothbrushes, some pants and a few CD's to play in the car. Sat in the car and pulled out a map. I closed my eyes pointed to somewhere on the map and our destination was a place called Milford Haven, so off we went!

We were pootling away, music blasting, windows wide open cos the weather was gorgeous and beeping and waving at good looking men, and sometimes at OAP men for a giggle!

We got to the local YHA there, sorted out our accommodation and set off on the half hour or so walk to the village to have food and a drink or two!

Fast forwards to after dinner, we decided that we should buy some vodka and go and drink it on the beach because it really was a beautiful day/evening.

We spent a few hours there, drinking, paddling, getting to know the local teenagers that were there. Then it started to get dark....

'We'd better not go back along the road' said I, 'for we are sure to be knocked over and killed by all the speeding cars!'

'You're right' agreed Cheese, 'We should walk back along the coastal path, no matter that you wont be able to see in a few minutes, or the fact we've been drinking, it's the safest and most sensible thing we could do!'

So off we went, the coastal path was a maxium of six inches from the edge of the cliff and there was no fence or wall or anything that might have prevented us from toppling down to the sea if we fell!

Cheese walked in front in order to guide me, tell me when there was a bump, an upwards bit, a downwards bit, a crumbly bit etc etc etc!

She was wearing a light coloured top so I was able to see a very faint block of grey to also help guide me on my way.

We had walked no more than ten minutes when Cheese suddenly fell to the floor, giggling like a mad woman and saying 'I can see, you can't and I've fallen over!'

Hmm..... Suddenly risking the roads seemed like a far wiser idea! I sat down and said

'I'm not moving, I'm staying here! If we carry on we'll fall in the sea!!!'

Cheese was still giggling like a demented woman, and eventually I started giggling too!

Cheese pulled herself together and said 'We should climb this tall fence and walk across the fields, that way at least we wont fall in the sea!'

So over we climbed and started to walk through the fields.

Now as you should all know by now, I can't see in the dark, at all. So I've got a hand on Cheeses arm to prevent me falling over. I wear hearing aids and so can hear fairly well with them in.

We had been walking for a while when I was suddenly aware of hissing noises...

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS............. PISHHHHHHHHHHH........... HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS

'Cheese, Are there snakes in Wales?????'

'Dunno, why?!'

'Can't you hear them...........???'

Cheese stopped suddenly, 'Hear the snakes??? What are you about?????'

By now my heart was starting to pound a little faster and my fear levels were verging on panic mode. 'There!!! Didn't you hear it??? That hissing noise!! It's a sodding snake field!!!!'

Once again, Cheese started giggling like a demented woman, 'You can't see them can you??? It's the sheep weeing whenever we go past them!!!'

'WHAT??? What the hell are you on about??'

Giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle.......

'When we walk by them they either get up and run away or get up and do a wee!!!!'

'Oh......'

Photography

I like it I do..... I would go as far as saying I love it! I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm obsessed with it. I'm not a geek with it, I don't have an indepth knowledge of shutter speeds, lighting, frames and all that whatnot!

I have a camera that I'm ever so slightly in love with, and a couple of lens to play around with. And there's nothing I love more than going for a walk and pottering around, snapping away and sometimes getting some reasonably good shots!

Some say I'm a little too trigger happy, but my view is that for every decent picture you take, there are going to be at least ten - twenty appalling pictures!

Not only do I love taking pictures, I adore looking at other peoples stuff, professional photographers work, people at the same level as me, I can easily while away hours nosing through flickr if I'm not careful!

I own an obscene amount of photography books, they're my 'porn' if you like!!

When I was first diagnosed with Ushers one of my biggest fears was that one day I wouldn't be able to look at others photography, or carry on doing photography myself.

It was such a horrible and wretched feeling, that one of my main passions in life might be wrenched away from me. Through no fault or doing of my own.

Thankfully though, it's not going to happen.....

And....... I've discovered another reason to love photography.

You see, my camera lens' field of vision is FAR wider than mine. Even when taking the shot, I see only what I see.

And it's not until I get home and upload the pictures to my computer, that I see what I don't see.

So while photography, for many is a record of what they've seen or memories of an event, for me it can be an intriguing mystery.....

Who is that old man waving at with a massive grin on his face.

What made the toddler screw up her face and cry.

How comes I didn't see the tree with a squirrel running half way up with what looks like a sandwich in it's mouth???

The couple I didn't see, and who obviously didn't see me as they only have eyes for each other.

My favourite shop with MASSIVE sale signs..... (and by the time I went back to take advantage of the sale, had closed down!)

The stunning building, church, cloud formations, graffiti.....

I have to say though, that there are advantages to a limited field of vision with photography too.

Because I'm so focused on 'my' subject, I don't get distracted by mundane bits and bobs surrounding it.

I've recently had a few ideas for photography projects, all related to my Ushers, I shall keep you posted. You never know, they might end up being shown somewhere!

Short and sweet this week folks, I had a real struggle with not procrastinating, and the internet played silly buggers for quite some time last night!!!

Ouch!

I don't make a sound when I have fall, or trip, or bash my shins or stub my toes on something, or burn myself.

I don't scream, shout, yell, wail, swear, groan, moan or make any other noises of pain.

I just take a sharp intake of breath.

I've walked slap bang into a tree, and just took a sharp intake of breath.

I've stubbed my little toe so hard I pretty much ripped the whole nail off, and just took a sharp intake of breath.

I've burnt myself on an oven, and just took a sharp intake of breath.

I've reached to grab the banister at the top of the stairs at my Mum's house, missed it and went flying over, and fell about ten feet to the floor kicking out some of the rails and very nearly missed landing on a friend, but fortunately(?) missed them and crashed to the wooden floor, and just took a sharp intake of breath.

I've whacked my head on shelves, door frames, getting into cars, handles and god knows what else, and just took a sharp intake of breath.

I've been on many walks, fallen down little rabbit holes, turned my ankle and just taken a sharp intake of breath.

I've had tree's jam their twiggy branches in my eyes, and bizarrely up my nose, and just taken a sharp intake of breath.

I've walked straight into so many low walls, barriers and bollards, and just taken a sharp intake of breath.

I've tripped over curbs, wonky pavements and even litter, and just taken a sharp intake of breath.

I've tumbled down a flight of concrete stairs and just taken a sharp intake of breath.

It's not because I'm tough as old boots and don't feel any pain from what happens, far from it... I actually have one of the lowest thresh holds to pain ever.

It's shame! Think about how mortified you are when you fall over, how you hope no one's seen you and you leap back up and carry on as if it didn't actually happen!

I suppose..... I've subconsciously trained myself not to make a sound so as not to draw attention to what I've done. Because then, I don't have to explain to random strangers '

I'm not clumsy, I'm not a pleb, I'm partially blind'

'Yeah I know I don't have a stick or a dog...... But I am!'

Most of the time it works. But sometimes, the mishap that has befallen on me is too big to pretend it didn't happen. The looks of shock, and awed

'Didn't it hurt???'

'Yes it frickin' did!!!!!'

'But you never made a noise!!!!!!!'

I'm lucky, so far (touch wood), I've not had a serious injury as a result of all that stuff..... Bruises, grazes and bumps for the most part.

And I'd love to say that these tend to happen mostly in the dark, where I can honestly not see a thing!

But........ A lot happens in broad daylight.

Old Ladies

There are many dangers and fears in this world today, dangers to ourselves, people around us and society as a whole.

We hear on a daily basis how yoofs are becoming more and more feral and involved with gangs, knives, guns and drugs.

About the next big virus that might or might not wipe out entire populations, think bird flu, swine flu and mad cow disease!

We are in a time at the moment where unemployment is at an all time high.

We are told NEVER to throw out ANYTHING with personal details on them as otherwise your identity will be nicked.

Terrorists causing death and destruction.

Young men and women, dying out in conflict zones (as apparently it's NOT a war!). Or those young men and women coming home with missing limbs or damaged minds.

The media scaremongering us that the country is full to the brim and we can't possibly have any more people come here.

That the police are both over zealous, and don't do enough to keep us safe.

Our politicians are liars thieves and rotten scoundrels.

Then there are the more personal fears and dangers.....

Will we be happy, healthy, loved, will we be mugged for looking at someone the wrong way, fears of flying or enclosed spaces.

There are many more of course, and each person will have different fears, different dangers which the next person might not even consider to be an issue!

The other day I discovered the biggest danger to my own personal safety.....

It's little old ladies..... With grey or white permed hair..... Who for the most part look harmless and sweet as pie.

Put them in a supermarket though, in the day time when they quite simply over run the place they are my nightmare!!!!!

They dart about with those little old lady trollies with a basket on top, and suddenly stop for no apparent reason!!! Or they walk really slow and then suddenly sprint off in zig zags. They tend to be short! And I'm actually rather tall, so whilst walking around a shop looking for the eggs, if one of these short old dears stops I have to stop adruptly, usually because I've clocked them right at the last nanosecond!

My biggest fear is I will simply not see one one day and send her toppling to the floor and cause a broken hip!!!

And because they're seemingly sweet looking short old ladies, and I'm a tall not obviously blind 'youngster' I'd probably be run out of town and lynched!!!!!

They're like my cat, lovely for the most part, but also a danger that I'm going to tread on them!!!

So I'm not going to go food shopping in the mornings EVER again! It stressed me out and I don't like that!