Thursday, 25 February 2010

Conversations with a bag!

Firstly, I want to say that although I do read the comments placed at the ends of each blog, I'm not entirely sure how to reply to them! I'm not being rude and ignoring you..... Honest Guv!!

Today I'm going to refer to people as animals, I don't know why, it's something that's tickled my fancy today!

I thought today I would tell the tale of how I ended up having a conversation with a bag.....!

A good friend of mine, Lion, is known for his garden parties, they tend to be on bonfire night, and for his birthday. They're big affairs, big garden, lots of people, food, bonfire, drink and lots of people!

A few years ago he held one of his said garden parties for his birthday, it was the height of summer and so didn't start getting dark until quite late.

I turned up with bottle in hand, made a slight dent in the food table and did some mingling, some laughing, some drinking, and most importantly worked out where I was going to pop myself down once it had got dark!

Anyhoo, I was back at the food table to talking to a friend, Chimp, when she said 'Ooooh, this lasagne is well nice!'

Now those that know me know that sometimes I'm not the most tactful of people, I like to blame this on the fact I don't see so well, or hear so well, and therefore sometimes say things I wouldn't normally say!

'Nice???' I spluttered, 'Badger made it, and she's obviously never heard of seasoning her food, its one of the blandest things I've eaten in ages!!!'

Chimp looked mortified and pointed with her eyebrows and made a oddly contorted face,

'What??' said I, Chimp started jerking her head ever so slightly and I turned around, Badger was stood there and looked really upset.

'Oh....... Badger!' I said, 'I'm really sorry! I didn't realise you were standing there, I'm really sorry, but I just really like strong flavours in my food!'

'That's OK' she simpered and I quickly wandered off elsewhere!

By this time it had started to get dark, I decided that a quick loo visit was in order and so scarpered off to the toilet, came back and plonked myself down on one of the rugs and got chatting to the people around me.

By now, it was dark, there lamps around, and the bonfire was burning away, but for someone with Ushers they're about as much use as a chocolate teapot!

I needed the loo again, 'Bugger.......'

The people sitting around me were people I knew, but not anyone I felt I knew well enough to say 'Will you take me to the toilet please?' It's not the sort of thing you want to say to random people, it makes you feel like a pleb!

Sod it I thought, I'll go by myself, what's the worst that can happen.....??? Well, lots of things can happen but you block that sort of thing from your mind!!

So I stood up and gathered my coat and bag with me, as I knew there'd be NO WAY I'd find my way back to them! and headed off towards the house.

As I got away from the general throng of people I stepped on what I thought was someone's foot.

'Oh sorry mate, didn't see you down there!' I looked and saw a foot, a leg and the body shape of a person, 'are you having a good time??'

No response....

'Bit rude!' I muttered to myself, and then 'Excuse me, did you hear me, I asked if you're having a good night??'

Again, no response..... I bent down to poke them and to make sure they were OK,

'Hey, are you alright mate?' and shook the leg......

The leg was a pile of coats, the foot was a bag, the body was a bush!

'For f*cks sake!!!!' I stood up, hoped no one had seen me or heard me trying to have a conversation with a bag and some coats and high tailed it into the house!


  1. A very good description of the difficulties associated with Ushers. Not convinced that Badgers make lasagne, though; even Bears draw the line at that sort of skill.

    Hugs from Sgt Slingsby!