To the angry man who verbally abused me,

The other night I got on a train to go home after a long day at work. It was rush hour. There were LOTS of people on the train. It was crowded. there was very little room for myself and my boy Samson to get on. But we did. And yes, it was a squeeze. Nothing untoward about that. It's three stops to my station and so while it is rather intimate, it IS a short journey.

It should have been uneventful, something that was annoying, but something I should have forgotten all about it by the time I'd walked from the station to my front door. But you decided to make it something far more horrible than it should have been. You decided to make it memorable for all the wrong reasons...

You don't know me, you don't know anything about me, you've never met me, you don't know what my financial situation is, you don't know what I do for work and as far as I know you've never even seen me before.

And yet, you felt you had the right to make some very sweeping and damning assumptions about me and you did this very loudly, very rudely and very publicly.

You saw a woman with a Guide Dog get onto the train and thought you'd take out all your frustrations out on me. I think that I'll remember the things you said to me clearly for a very long time, because they were hurtful, they were hateful and they were humiliating. You didn't like me answering you back did you? It clearly wound you up even more, to the point that you were screaming right in my face. I've never seen such hate on someones face aimed at me, when we've never even met before. In fact, I've never seen such hate on someones face aimed at me when we have met. 

Well, here are the answers to your rants that you refused to listen to...

'Why the f*ck would you choose to use public transport at this time with that f*cking dog???'

I chose to get on the train at that time because like everyone else on that train I also was on my way home after a day at work. I chose to get on the train at time because like everyone else on that train I wanted to get home as soon as possible.

'I bet you've just been sat around all day doing f*ck all on my taxes you lazy c*nt!!!'

No actually. That day I'd been doing interviews, inductions, database stuff, filing, a report and all the other day to day admin stuff I have to do in my job. Something I get paid for and something that I also have to pay taxes on.

'F*cking get off and f*cking walk! Get the f*ck off!!!'

Why should I? If you're so offended by my existence, YOU get off, YOU move elsewhere or just ignore me!

'Your f*cking sort get on my f*cking nerves! Me, me, me, give me more f*cking money, me, me, me!'

My 'sort'? You the mean the 'sort that works, the 'sort' that volunteers, the 'sort' that actually has to work harder than you just to get through the day as 'normally' as possible, the 'sort' that doesn't claim thousand of pounds a week (that 'sort' is pretty much a myth by the way!)?

I don't just blame you, although I do blame you mostly, I also blame our government and our media who have done everything they possibly can to demonise my 'sort'. Who allow you to think I am worth nothing more than something you might have the misfortune to tread in, who allow you to think that I am fair game when it comes to random abuse and who allow you to think I should be invisible and should dare to be out in public.

I also blame them for letting every other person on that train to do or say nothing. Who either pretended it wasn't happening or just stood and openly watched. That spurred you on didn't it?

'No one gives a f*cking sh*t about you or your spastic needs! You spastic c*nt!'

Right at that very minute, you're right, no one did. I was very much on my own. I don't think I had ever felt more alone than I did for those ten minutes. Never. I was raised to speak up for those going through an injustice and I have done so on many occasions. I'll continue to do so, but wwill also now know that it's not something to automacally assume others would do for me and that makes me a little sad because I've always assumed that people are in general decent and kind and moral. Not cowards.

I wonder if you went home and proudly told your family and friends that you verbally abused a blind woman? I wonder if you actually felt like a man acting like a nasty little bully? I wonder just how empty and bitter and lonely and unfulfilled you must feel as a human being to do what you did?

But... If your aim was to make me feel about two inches tall, to humiliate me, to make me feel worthless and to make me cry, congratulations. You succeeded.

I have to remember that this, while not unheard of, isn't the norm. I have to remember that my life is obviously filled with more joy than yours is. I have to remember that I am not the piece of scum you want me to believe I am.

And I have to remember that you clearly have a tiny penis!

I 'Heart' my Guide Dog!

Some time ago I wrote a letter to my Guide Dog Samson. He changed and continues to change my life in a way I didn't believe possible. He has made me 'me' again, something I didn't think I'd ever be again. Below is what I wrote, it is just as valid and true as it was back then...

Dear Samson,

I know that you're never going to understand this, and that you'd far more appreciate a dentistix, a tummy tickle or a run in the park. You'll get all that anyway, but I NEED to write this.

Before you, my life was getting darker and darker, and my world was getting smaller and smaller. It took me a long time to accept the condition I have and to realise that I needed something to make life easier and safer.

Before you, I would rarely go out, I'd go to work and come home and turn down 99% of invites because it was more stressful and sometimes more dangerous than staying in.

Before you, I was sinking into a dark depression, where I could not see it ever getting better.

Before you, I'd fall over, walk into Walls, bump into people and constantly ne covered in bruises, grazes and bumps.

Before you, my confidence, self belief and happiness were at rock bottom.

Before you, despite having loving friends and family I felt desperately lonely and scared. No one can prepare you for the terrifying knowledge that one day you might be completely blind and deaf.

Before you, I could see no meaningful future.

Then you came crashing and bouncing through my front door and life... I remember the moment when I first realised I could trust you, that you'd got my back and that your sole aim in life was to ensure I was safe. That was the beginning of the light coming back into my life, and the world throwing itself wide open again. The relief and emotions that came with that hit me like a ton of bricks, and instantly after, I felt freer than I had in years.

You have given me back my confidence, my self belief, my happiness and my independence.

You have lifted me out of a bottomless pit of despair.

Since you've been with me I've only had one fall when out, but that was on a steep hill covered with ice, so can't really blame you for that!! ;)

You have guided me out of harms way, and you have guided me back into life.

I love how you cheer me up when I'm feeling a bit down. I love how I can trust you and that you trust me. I love the obvious joy you have when we go for a free run. I love the fact that you are an absolute tart for a tummy tickle. I love your very naughty streak when you decide you want to be naughty. I love the way you're thrilled to me when I come down in the morning, your whole body wags, nor just your tail!!

I love that you have given me back my life, my pride and dignity.

You are my gentle brute, my daft brush and sensitive soul.

You are more than 'just' my guide dog. You are my mate, my saviour and dare I say it... My hero.

Thank you Samson!

2012

2012 has been one hell of a challenge so far, more so than any other year!    

Without a doubt the biggest was my diagnosis of Thyroid Eye Disease (TED) at the beginning of this year. In a nut shell my thyroid has been working overtime and then decided to attack the white blood cells behind my eyes... In turn making one of my eyes 'pop' out. It's uncomfortable, it aches, it's tiring, it's stressful and really really unattractive. Right now (and for the most part of this year) I have been rocking a very uncanny Popeye impression! When I was first diagnosed I was put on a course of medication, 30 odd pills a day, gradually going down to none... Which made no difference whatsoever. The first few times taking them I threw them straight back up, not nice at all! It felt like I was going to hospital every other day to have the (very nice it has to said) Nurses doing colour tests, Doctors putting drops in my eyes and then shining bright lights in them, and then measuring the amount the eye was popped out by, then to be told by my Consultant that everything was the same. So now, I've got a date for an operation to 'pop the eye back where it should be'. I'm both pleased and nervous... It will hopefully make everything alright again, but then again, it's an operation on the eye... That's a bit.... EEEEEK!!! 

Then Samson, My beautiful, daft, lovely boy was taken into Guide Dog hospital to sort out an ear infection that just wasn't going away! 21 days later I got my boy back. 21 days of missing him. 21 days of realising just how much I have come to rely on him. 21 days of feeling a bit lost. 21 days of having no soft velety ears to fondle. 21 days of not going at the speed I am now used to going at. 21 days of people asking when I was going to get Samson back.

Then, TWO root canal treatments!! I don't think I need to say any more on that matter!

Then the challenge of working in London during the Olympic Games.... At an Olympic Games venue. Each day the way into work was changed, the security checked got more strict each day and each day trying to concentrate and not get distracted by the bellowing cheers and whatnot.

There's been more, but these are the main ones that I think I'll remember for the rest of my life. I'm actually quite proud of how I've dealt with it all. A couple of years back I would have sunk into a pit of depression and not known how to claw my way out again. But this year, I wobbled right on the edge of the pit and then pulled myself away from it. 

Why? How?  I have learnt to be more honest, with myself and with others. I have realised that saying to people 'you know what, I can't do that because my eyes hurt, but if you'd like to do this instead that would be great and be easier for me to deal with' doesn't make people think I'm being selfish, and that actually they'd rather hear that and help me.

I've learnt to relax.

It's been a while...

A very long while in fact, but here I am again!

I have excuses as to why I've not been doing this blog for so long. But main and most valid one is that I've felt the most happiest and content and 'yay, life is actually quite good!' than I have in a long long long long time. I used the blog as a way of trying to sort my head out, as a way to try and make sense of what I have, as a way to talk about it without using my mouth and without crying.

Because that how it worked. I'd talk about it and I'd feel like crying, or I would cry or I'd very quickly change the subject.

From the very first post I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. That I am able to articulate and tell people how I felt and feel.

Don't get me wrong, I still have the times where I feel sorry for myself, where I just want to curl up in bed and never leave it and times when I still feel totally and utterly stunned. But I don't feel like that everyday... Now I go days, weeks and months and months feeling good.

And that's probably the main reason I haven't been doing this blog, I haven't felt like there's been anything horrible, horrific or hollow to write about. So I got out of the habit of writing.

Well, I'm back now (not that anything terrible is happening!) with a sidekick! I feel like I want to carry on recording what life is, the good, the bad and the ugly!

This isn't really a proper post, it's more of a reintroduction! See y'all soon!

Guide Dogs, Part Four.

So the next stage of the assessment was where someone completely different came out to do a walk and have a general chat with me.

It was at this point I was starting to realise what an indepth process this whole thing is/was! I hadn't even had a mere sniff of a guide dog yet and they (the people from guide dogs) have been out to see me four times, each time was a minimum of an hour and a half. I now know that this long process is good for everyone! It reassures the people at guide dogs, and gives them lots of time to find out what sort of person I am. My work life, my private life, my family, my friends, where or what I like to do for holidays it's all found out, but not in an intrusive way. It's done in such a way that you feel like you're chatting to a mate!

All this information gives them a better idea of what sort of dog would be good for me.

It was good for me, as we really talked about why I felt I needed a guide dog, how it would effect my life, (both good and maybe not so good!), and how I would most probably have to change my whole approach to life really. Talking about all these things in an open, positive, and no holds barred way helped ,e to know that this was the right path to go down.


So next, I was invited to an over night stay in a hotel in London, to meet some guide dog puppies who were fast approaching the end of their final stages of training!!

There were three other blind/visually impaired people there, eight puppies, and what seemed like thousand of trainers!! When we first got there we were shown to our rooms and told to settle in and them come down to the conference room in half an hour. I sat on the bed and thought to myself..... 'Really..... Seriously..... What on earth am I doing here?????' I was starting to have real doubts, I've NEVER had a dog before, we were a family who grew up with cats! Most of my mates have cats! What if the dog they gave me was horrid?! What if I turned into one of these mad people who let their dog 'kiss' them???

I then gave myself a shake, and thought, tonight is like a trial run, if I don't like it, I call it all off!!

I took a deep breath and walked downstairs....

Honestly, I had nothing to worry about! My fellow blindies were lovely, and like most Guide Dog Owners I've since met, were larger than life characters, intelligent beyond belief, but also very 'normal'.

So first up we were given a dog to do some basic obedience training with. I was given Josh, a very very very laid back gingery Retriever, he did pretty much what he was told to do, but there was a definate 'I'm not too impressed that YOU, who I've just met is telling ME what to do!' vibe going on!

We were then given another dog and taught how to groom it, to say that these puppies enjoy a groom is a MASSIVE understatement! The amount of tail wagging and looks of pure bliss on those faces had to be seen to be believed!!

Then I was given Josh again and we went out on a harness walk... I don't like to say it was a failure, but when the instructor says that the dog 'is taking the mick' you get a pretty good idea that this might not be the dog for you!! :)

Back to the hotel, where we had lunch and the chance to talk to a Guide Dog Owner and hear how it was, the good, the bad and the ugly! It was really useful, because she was saying that no matter how annoyed, frustrated you might get with your dog, the pro's of them far outweigh those niggles!

Then it was another harness walk with another dog (whose name I cant remember which makes me feel terrible!!), this walk was pretty uneventful, the dog did exactly as it needed to do, but there just wasn't 'that' spark!

Back at the hotel we were told that we were now going to be given a dog to look after overnight in the hotel room and that we were going to be going out on a night walk with it. Nights, dark nights for those of you who have read all of this blog will know that they are my most stressful times, especially, crowded roads at night, with streetlights here and there and cars with headlights glaring away!

So it was with mixed emotions when I was introduced to Forrester, he was totally and utterly stunning, when he came into the room I was thinking, please be for me!!! He was tall, slim, and black, and they brought him over to me! I started gushing all over him, telling him he was beautiful, whilst at the same time wondering how the hell could I trust an animal to take me for a walk and not let anything happen to me?????

Deaf.

I'm going to talk a little more about the deaf side of Ushers. It's something that we, (from now on assume that 'we' means those of us with Ushers!), don't really talk about much.

So why don't we? Because we're ashamed? Because it's too big a subject to our heads around? Because we don't know how to articulate what it's like to be deaf?

I don't think so, and having spoken to others who have Ushers, Type 2 at least, I think I might have an idea why.

It's because we were born deaf. Well..... Partially deaf. The Deaf world is a funny one with the labels it gives people. But thats something I'll talk about a bit later!

So, born partially deaf, hearing aids from a very young age, speech therapy, the ability to lip read, the saying 'Sorry, I can't hear you, let me turn on the light/put on my glasses!', the ability to 'read' body language far better than hearing people, mishearing things people say and either being really embarrassed or having a right old giggle about it, ignoring people if they're just behind you..... It's endless!!

But unlike the sight, it really doesn't feel like an issue for me. Being deaf is me, it's a massive part of who I am, it's formed my charactor, my personality and I suppose my stuborn nature!

One of my favourite things to do is to listen to music without my hearing aids in. Just have the music on, and feel the music through the floor, or through the chair. It's actually really really relaxing!!

I like that I can just ignore someone irritating if I choose to, and then say 'Oh I AM sorry, didn't hear you darlin'!!'

There are bloody annoying times with the deafness..... Like those who actually tell you that you are NOT deaf, 'Hmmm, I wearing these hearing aids as a fashion statement do I???'

Or those who when you ask them to speak clearly either start shouting or just over exaggerating the way they speak. Shouting doesn't make it clearer, and taaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllkinnnnnnnnng liiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkke thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis certainly doesn't make it clearer!!

However, if someone were to turn around tomorrow and say 'At the flick of my wrist, I can give you hearing, proper hearing with no hearing aids!!'

I'd say straight away, with no thought 'No thanks!!'

Guide Dogs, Part Two.

Like many people, I'd always assumed that Guide Dogs were for those who were or are completely blind. Something I would never think about as I had been told that I would always have some vision!

I couldn't but feel a bit confused when a lady I've befriended on Facebook, with the same Ushers as me and who as far as I knew had some sight, had a Guide Dog!

So I got in touch with her and was basically very nosey! Asking her what field of vision she has, at what point she was entitled to a dog, how she found having a dog, why she had decided to get one etc!!

She was really kind and answered all my questions and told me that in fact there are no criteria for getting a dog, (you have to have a visual impairment obviously!), and that she had found a new lease of life when she first got her dog!

She encouraged me to at least looking into getting a dog, and said it would change my life!!

So I spent the next few days reading the Guide Dog UK website, talking to various friends and family about it and ringing the number to make an appointment but hanging up before it had even rung! As far as I was, and am concerned, this is a MASSIVE decision. It's me saying to myself, 'right Usherchic2, you need some sort of help.' And for me..... Admitting this does NOT come easily!!

Eventually I rang, let the phone ring, let the other end answer and said while shaking like a leaf.......

'Hello, I'm calling about applying for a Guide Dog.......'

An appointment was made for someone to come out and see me, and now the ball was well and truly rolling!!!!!

I asked my brother to come along, for both moral support, and to have someone there to hear the bits I might not hear or just plain forget!

Me, my brother, the lady doing the assessment (Dee), her trainee (Dave) and his guide dog! My brother and I instantly fell in love with the dog, he came in with his big brown eyes, waited for his owner to tell him to sit down and just sat down with a massive sigh, as if to say 'thank god for that!!'

For the next three hours, we talked, about when I was diagnosed, how my life had been effected, why I felt a dog would benefit me, what a guide dog actually does, about my road, how I felt my world had become smaller, and god knows what else. Dave also spoke about his experiences, how having a dog had improved his life.

After all this they told me that I seemed like an ideal person for a dog! (EEEK!!!!!) We made a further appointment to go for a walk, so they can get an idea of the way I walk, and what kind of dog would be most suited to me.

I really like/d both of these people who came into my home and spoke to me about the life changing experience I am about to embark on.

Dee is someone who can chat for England, she obviously REALLY knows her stuff, she's sympathetic and empathises without a hint of patronisation, (I'm not sure if that's actually a word, but you get the gist!).

Dave is a man who it seems can chat for Wales! A huge presence, and bucket loads of dignity. He told me never to lose mine, as it's something no one can ever take away from me. It really struck me and I hope that I will keep hold of those words.

After they left, David and I sat on the settee, had a fag, chatted about all that had been said, and then went to get some chips!!

Guide Dogs, Part One.

I'm getting one. It's a massive step for me, and a sign I think, that I'm finally realising AND accepting that I need extra help..... Those who know me will know what a big thing it is for me to think this about myself.

I'm very independent, and find it really hard to ask for help. Stubborn as well, which again, doesn't help much with the hole 'I can do it myself' attitude.

Loosing your sight takes a massive chunk of the independentness... It sometimes makes you think 'Do you know what..... I'm not going to do such and such, or go to here or there'. Because what should be an enjoyable thing, going to the pub, going to a museum, going to a party, whatever it is..... Can become stressful and totally unenjoyable before you've even got there!!

For instance, just stepping out of my front door to walk down to the train station no more than fives minutes away can be a trail. If it's really sunny, it's hard work. The glare from the sun, even when wearing sunglasses, makes it so everything becomes hazy and glarey. Think of really over exposed photo's, where everything looks really washed out and even ghost like. But add the fact its BRIGHT. The amount of people I've walked into because I've not seen them is countless! It's also embarrassing. People think you're ignorant, rude, stupid..... I'm none of those things!

When it's overcast, it's hard work. Everything becomes duller, you don't necessarily see where the curb is. Curbs and roads are quite similar in colour, and unless you intently stare at the floor, you don't always clock it/them. Stubbed toes, jarred hips and knees can be quite painful. And again, it's something I do all the time!

If it's raining, it's hard work.

If it's drizzling, it's hard work.

If it's snowing, it's hard work.

It's not only the fact that I have really limited vision in the degrees. My eyes take a few minutes to adjust from coming from outside to inside, from inside to outside, from one room to another, even getting onto a train or a bus takes my eyes a few minutes to adjust to the difference to the lighting.

There's also the fact I get bursts of white lights and black spots... You know when someone takes a picture of you with the flash on and you go 'eurgh!!!!!' I get that ALL the time! Not continuously, but it's always there, and there's no rhyme or reason as to when it'll happen either!

It's tiring... It's knackering.... It brings on migranes...

Because my brain is going at 140mph, I'm constantly scanning, the floor, to my sides, up ahead, back to the sides, the floor, the sides, up ahead, the floor and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on.

Plus, I don't hear people coming up behind me. The shock of someone suddenly appearing from nowhere is massive.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a constant adrenaline rush..... Again, its knackering!

And as I've said before, you can't see my disability, and therefore I look 'normal'. As a result, people don't make allowances for me, don't give me the space I need more than most people.

So sometimes I'll think..... 'I'm not gonna go, I'm gonna sit in and watch a DVD!'

I hate thinking like that. I hate that I might have missed out on something really fun. I hate that people might think I'm a boring fecker. And I hate that one day people might stop asking to things!!

So I'm in the process of getting a Guide Dog. I'll tell you more about that in the next instalment!